superpower

 

For the first time in my life, liberty feels damning. There is no proper plan or structure laid out in front of me. Nothing to particularly look forward to. Just an eerie overwhelming sense of unknown. And for the first time in my life, I'm diving straight ahead.

My life the last few years has been nothing but a series of rejections and disappointments. I'm not even exaggerating when I say I've been pretty much on my own especially in the last few months. I've had plenty of time to figure myself out - the things I'm passionate about, the things that aren't working for me, and even the things I keep coming back to no matter how much air they suck out of my lungs.

I've been saying this for a while now; that I need a break from everything and everyone. To allow myself to recover, to stand strong on my own, to be able to cope under overwhelming waves of hurt and emotions. My body is tired, screaming for the train to stop but the tracks just keep leading up to nowhere. It seems like I'm moving forward when I've been really moving in circles.

I'm not trying to discount any of my high moments but they seem scarce and scattered. It's like moving upwards just to tumble even further down than when I started. And when I fall, I fall hard. Especially when it involves a person.

How can a person make you feel on top of the world and down in the dumps at the same time? That's wild. It should be a superpower or something. It's easy to tell someone to get out of a toxic relationship but really when push comes to shove, it's not that easy to do when you don't have a strong support system outside of that relationship. You'll find yourself coming back to that familiar sense simply because that's the only valued thing you got going. And because for so long, they have been your home, your safe place.

For you, if you ever read this: please let me go. Know that I will always be your number one supporter, the silent rooter in the sidelines. I hate that it had to be this way. I've liked you from the very first day. But for now, I have to go. I like you so much. Always have. Always will.

p/s: i've gave you tremendous amount of chances, almost lost count of, but being you, you know i will always come back no matter what, well this time it's not. you started it off again making it seem as it was easy , as if i was easy and then when i finally go back to you,, you left me just like that again? and again? as if i was the one who left my pride on the floor?? as if i was the one who beg for you to start it again first? shame on you. you lost me. please don't contact me again. do me this one last favor. 

one percent

stop it.
stop your never ending unrequited love.
that's right. you said you didn't know what it means to stop and why you should, right?
my unrequited love has at least one percent chance.
who says i have one percent?
you're alive.
you don't even have one percent.
so stop it. i'm sorry but..
so i'll stop too.
i'm stopping because i have only one percent. you...
you should've stopped a while ago.

a new world

i don't know since when all of this started , maybe watching too much korean drama influenced me but thinking about it, it's not such a bad decision.

my dream is, after i graduate from university in 2 years , i want to work oversea , if you take into consideration of my dream place, new orleans, it is too far. too far that it will take more than one day for a flight back to malaysia if anything emergency happens. so after a long time thinking , korea is not such a bad idea. i love that it still an asean country, i still prefer and love asean over western culture and tradition. so i will not be out of place too much?

so right now i'm learning mandarin in my university, sadly my uni doesn't offer korean , so i need to learn it by myself or take offline or online classes and then get my TOPIK certificate . based on my research , i need to be at least level 4 , best level 5 or  6 for me to be able stay and work there comfortably . but some said it's hard to achieve level 5 or 6 (advance) if you didn't already there because you need to be able to talk everyday, read etc. for you to become fluent and pass advance level. so, because TOPIK certification only last for 2 years, i think having level 4 is good enough before i secure my job at korea. hahahah i think it is funny how i plan all  of this in this pandemic . well need to take advantage of the holidays aite?

able to speak 4 language, english , malay, mandarin, korean is quite good right , and my english is quite good tho so yeah please let all of this come true. i wanna start my life anew , reset! in a new world. i wanna build a life where's no one know me. my family had teach me to live without them too much till the non-sense of belonging it engraved and flows in my vein.

p/s: this is just a simple draft,  sad to admit, this is my first dream i've ever had and that i feel so determine to achieve. i hope the spirit will continue.

crack

it can’t even have a single crack?
even if a table has a crack, you can still use it.
it’s only natural for things to get wear and tear with time.
there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship.
what’s wrong with a little crack?
and what’s wrong with hurting each other’s feelings a little?
no one is perfect.
that’s why we do things that we have to apologise for, say sorry and mend things.
that’s how life goes.
i know i hurt you immensely but i really wanted a chance to fix things.
i’ll wait if you’re still not ready.
who knows? perhaps when more time passes, it may become a little easier for you.

misunderstanding

i really hate that word, “misunderstanding”.
what does it even mean?
if you did something wrong, just admit that you made a mistake, and say sorry.
i think it’s just an excuse.
it implies that you did nothing wrong.
it means, “i did nothing wrong. you just got the wrong idea. due to your communication skills that aren’t sharp enough, you misunderstood my action.”
it just means they’ll keep putting the blame on you.
it’s such a ridiculous excuse.

small dream

i don’t know if it will ever change in the future, but at this 21 age, i’d feel so content if this small dream of me can be achieved later.

“In ten year 'time, I want to live in a house with with big windows, I want the house to be large enough to have a kitchen table with four chairs but not too roomy to even feel depth of my loneliness. because I'll probably be alone. but I think aloness won't feel so all consuming with windows that protect me from the word but still let me watch it.”

in 5-10 years time, i hope i will be living in a comfy apartment or a small penthouse that not too much luxury just enough to give comfort in me. i don’t want a huge bungalow or a luxury terrace house that will feel too empty when i’m alone , a huge back or front yard. i love living in a building where i know i’m not the only one there, that when i ever feel lonely, i can watch others life from the porch. it’s better to be living in a building that’s full of people instead of coming home to an empty house everyday, at least after a tiring day of life, i will meet people on the front desk, in the elevator or the corridor .

chin up

my cousin and her boyfriend broke up today after a 2 year on and off relationship and as i was asking if she was okay she said this

 “you know i really thought he was the one. i loved him more than anyone and i was the happiest i've ever been. but everytime he leaves the less i pray for him to come back. it's not that I don't want him it's just i'm tired of putting my all into someone who doesn't love me with their whole heart. there would be times when i looked at him and without a doubt i knew i'd marry that boyand then there were days when i wondered why i stayed. but my heart was bigger than his. i seen the good in him when there wasn't any. I continued to go back everytime he called. even when the pieces of my broken heart were all back together again i'd put it back in his hands knowing damn well he'd break it. but I just can't anymore. i'm drained. i felt so much love for him and every time he left me he took that love with him. now there is none left. but this time i will take my time being sad. Because i swear to god this is the last time.”

p/s: i’ve archived most of my posts in this blog, those in my primary and secondary school, i don’t know, i tend to hide myself more as years passed by .