Sometimes we don't realise the toxic party in the relationship, is us. We get too caught up in wanting to be treated right that we overlook how we treat them. We're too focused on getting their attention and forget that maybe, they need our attention more. Or how we tend to forget that people need their space too. Too much of something can be suffocating, regardless.
I recently realised I've been forcing my feelings on people. Like sometimes I demand a bit too much from someone that I forget to consider how they would feel about it. I was only focused on getting what I want - mostly attention and care - and I forget how exhausting it is having to constantly give attention to others. Sometimes I tell myself I'm doing us both a favour, but then I never check on them if they were okay with it. Sometimes I feel like they only said yes so they wouldn't hurt my feelings. But when they do say no, I take it personally because I forget that they have their own lives to deal with too.
I keep wanting to have the so-called "hard conversations", especially when I sense something isn't going right. Idk, I guess I've been so used to people leaving me that I become so scared of getting too attached to anyone because I know sooner or later, they're going to find me too much for them and decide I'm not worth their time anymore. When I do find myself in that situation, I become so scared that I might cross the line and I'd always need assurance that things are okay between us. Even the slightest change in tone when we talk triggers me.
When something like this happens, I always think it's my fault that people leave. It happened a bunch of times before. Sometimes I wish I had the means to disappear and not look back. I think I'm better off being alone. But then again, I'm not so good at being alone either.
