both way

Hello.

I know I haven't been posting anything for a while. The last few months have been craaaazy. I possibly experienced both my highest and lowest. I have a lot to share on this blog but I never got around to actually sit down and write. Also I feel like I have a few "planned" posts and maybe that's why I never really write anything these days - cause I feel like I *have* to share about certain stuff and they don't feel genuine enough? They feel forced, in a way. So right now I'm here simply writing for the sake of getting this off my chest.

Sometimes I can't help feeling like some people take advantage of my emotional availability. I guess it mostly comes from a part of me that can't really say no to people, or rather I'd find ways to say yes to favours even when I'm swamped with my own responsibilities. I can't feel like I've disappointed people, especially when they come to me asking for help or simply want to talk about certain things. I'm usually alright with lending a hand or an ear to listen, but these days I'm so drained from my own shit that sometimes I find it hard to find people to reciprocate the same energy I give out.

It's like when I'm literally crying out for help and I know they hear me but they probably think "oh she's always crying out for help, maybe someone will come - not me, I don't have the time to entertain her". I hate feeling like I have to beg for attention especially when I have been trying so hard to be nothing but explicit that I need someone to listen. I already hate the idea of being a burden to people, but what puzzles me is that people sometimes don't mind coming to me but when it's my turn seeking out for help, literally nobody comes to my saving.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I promised myself that this is the year I'll finally say no to free emotional support, but I guess I failed. It's gotta feel 2-way, you know? It's very much draining when it's not reciprocated and at one point you just want to give up with people. For once, I wish people would initiate first, instead of me crying out for help which always ends up with a no-show.

I hate opening up to people, knowing that they know what's up with me, but also feeling like they're done with me. Like get over it already Nurul it's been a while now it's getting old.

I want attention.

There. I've said it.