I know you miss me,
lately I've been feeling stuck. I've been keeping myself busy with responsibilities but in a lot of ways, my days have felt plain, and it isn't a good feeling. I feel lost but productive at the same time. It's as if I'm coasting through a smooth highway - I'm going somewhere, but the journey feels dull. The fact that I'm the only person in the car makes it a million times worse.
It's also that time of the term when all of a sudden work just keeps on coming, which is also the time when getting out of bed in the morning gets extra harder. Motivation to tick things off the to-do list gets scarce. I guess that's why I feel stranded. It's the fact that I've been unconsciously putting a lot of important things on hold due to the crippling anxiety that worries about the end results that makes me fear the process.
See? I'm aware of that yet I don't seem to do much about it. What i only do everytime i felt the air inside of my lungs get suck off is just going through the series on Netflix and just forget everything, how healthy is that, denying everything.
I'd get to a point when sometimes even feeling that I'm going somewhere, no matter how lost the path may seem, or how little the movement, feels good. I realize the danger of hitting this wall but I'd put the blame on a thousand other things - never myself. I never take responsibility over my self-sabotage and poor decisions, and often brush them off as irrelevant. At this point, I feel like that reckless side of me can justify dropping out of university just because of the overwhelming pressure.
I'm scared of going through this flat phase. I'm scared that one day I'd just book a one-way ticket home. I'm not going to lie, I can actually see myself dropping everything just to take a break because it's suffocating. I might actually go into isolation from everything and everyone.
