its December again :)

I know you miss me, 

lately I've been feeling stuck. I've been keeping myself busy with responsibilities but in a lot of ways, my days have felt plain, and it isn't a good feeling. I feel lost but productive at the same time. It's as if I'm coasting through a smooth highway - I'm going somewhere, but the journey feels dull. The fact that I'm the only person in the car makes it a million times worse.

It's also that time of the term when all of a sudden work just keeps on coming, which is also the time when getting out of bed in the morning gets extra harder. Motivation to tick things off the to-do list gets scarce. I guess that's why I feel stranded. It's the fact that I've been unconsciously putting a lot of important things on hold due to the crippling anxiety that worries about the end results that makes me fear the process.

See? I'm aware of that yet I don't seem to do much about it. What i only do everytime i felt the air inside of my lungs get suck off is just going through the series on Netflix and just forget everything, how healthy is that, denying everything.

I'd get to a point when sometimes even feeling that I'm going somewhere, no matter how lost the path may seem, or how little the movement, feels good. I realize the danger of hitting this wall but I'd put the blame on a thousand other things - never myself. I never take responsibility over my self-sabotage and poor decisions, and often brush them off as irrelevant. At this point, I feel like that reckless side of me can justify dropping out of university just because of the overwhelming pressure.

I'm scared of going through this flat phase. I'm scared that one day I'd just book a one-way ticket home. I'm not going to lie, I can actually see myself dropping everything just to take a break because it's suffocating. I might actually go into isolation from everything and everyone.

forever

there are no more “one mores” .
i met you when everything was new and exciting and the possibilities of the world seemed endless and they still are.
but for you, for me.
but not for us.
somewhere between then and now, here and there, i guess we didn’t just grow apart, we grew up.
when something breaks, if the pieces was large enough, you can fix it.
unfortunately sometimes things don’t break, they shatter .
but when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter
and in those moments - when the pieces of what we were catch the sun - i’ll remember just how beautiful it was.
just how beautiful it will always be.
because it was us.
and we were magic.
forever.

forcing

Sometimes we don't realise the toxic party in the relationship, is us. We get too caught up in wanting to be treated right that we overlook how we treat them. We're too focused on getting their attention and forget that maybe, they need our attention more. Or how we tend to forget that people need their space too. Too much of something can be suffocating, regardless.
I recently realised I've been forcing my feelings on people. Like sometimes I demand a bit too much from someone that I forget to consider how they would feel about it. I was only focused on getting what I want - mostly attention and care - and I forget how exhausting it is having to constantly give attention to others. Sometimes I tell myself I'm doing us both a favour, but then I never check on them if they were okay with it. Sometimes I feel like they only said yes so they wouldn't hurt my feelings. But when they do say no, I take it personally because I forget that they have their own lives to deal with too.
I keep wanting to have the so-called "hard conversations", especially when I sense something isn't going right. Idk, I guess I've been so used to people leaving me that I become so scared of getting too attached to anyone because I know sooner or later, they're going to find me too much for them and decide I'm not worth their time anymore. When I do find myself in that situation, I become so scared that I might cross the line and I'd always need assurance that things are okay between us. Even the slightest change in tone when we talk triggers me.
When something like this happens, I always think it's my fault that people leave. It happened a bunch of times before. Sometimes I wish I had the means to disappear and not look back. I think I'm better off being alone. But then again, I'm not so good at being alone either.

resonance

🐤

"Now let me tell you something, our waves may be not resonance to each other now but as long as we have the same natural frequency we will be resonance again sometimes in the future. "

--

so in a nutshell , appreciate everyone while they are still in your life ,

when at some point you feel you're drifting apart , rather than making an essay of how wrong they are , how unsync they are right now with you ,

take the first step , ego down, chin up, smile 

if you still want them to cross path with you , 

make an effort again and again , cause just admit one day when this chance today that you held so tight with your ego , will only just be the source of  your grief later in life , don't give up on them , never ever while you still can 🌹

i love each of you , xoxo.

expiry date

Have you ever gotten yourself in a messy situation and have nobody else to blame for you being in that situation but yourself? That sucks. Especially because at the moment you thought it was the right thing to do but now you're starting to doubt your hasty decisions. And now you're stuck at a crossroads. Why is it every time I let my guards down, it always ends up messy?

Friendship is such a tricky thing. To think after 20 years of living and 5 years of being in a boarding school where you pretty much deal with hundreds of diverse personas 24/7, one can hardly escape from thinking that they've covered every possible scenario in the arena of friendships & foes, & that they're ready to take on whatever kind of people that would appear in their life afterwards. Gurl, is one really wrong.

I'm beginning to believe that most, if not all, of the friendships I've built around me have their expiry dates. It's just a matter of time before a particular friendship fades away, be it because of stupid me doing everything wrong. I need to find some sort of affirmation that friendships don't have expiry dates.

good times

Sweet Caroline,
Good times never seemed so good,
I've been inclined,
To believe it never would.
These days I find myself desperately clinging on to every bit of happiness possible. Like, when things are going good, all I can think of is "am I sucking in all the joy possible out of this joyful instance?". I guess it's been conditioned in my brain that things can go south in an instant and I'd want to have the best possible outcome of my good times. Imagine eating a really really good meal, knowing you would have to finish it but at the same time you feel guilty about having to finish it cause it's so good that you want to eat it exclusively for the rest of your life but you also want to savour every last bite possible and not waste even a drop of it. A bit like that.
It's pathetic, to be honest, that I find myself being this way - living (more like surviving) from one happy moment to another. It's as if I'd have to recharge myself and store every bit of joy only to anticipate bad times. Until then, I won't have to discharge the stored happiness. As if thinking about good times actually did me any favour in the past. lol
Through experience, it didn't really help to think about good times. In fact it only made things worse knowing how happy I was at one point in time, instead of feeling so helpless. It just made feel trapped in a pit of self-loathe, for putting myself in similar, if not exact, situations that I knew from the get go would only cause me hurt. Why do I love sabotaging myself so much?
But then again, I'm not saying I don't enjoy being happy. Don't get me wrong. I love where I'm at currently. Not in the best possible place, I suppose, but enough for me to mean it when I say "I'm good".
Don't mind me, it's just my brain playing mind games with me again. We do that all the time - obsess over things not worth fussing over. Sometimes I have to consciously tell myself to stop. That I don't want to think anymore and I just want to be present and enjoy the moment without any distractions from anyone, not even myself. I have to stop obsessing and just.. live carefree.
Anyway, I was listening to Dodie's cover of Sweet Caroline (splendid cover 10/10 would recommend) and the lyrics got me thinking about good times and how good things are going for me now. Welp, let's see how long this is going to last before I ruin things for myself. lol
But really, I'm happy. :)