These last few months have not been great for me. Lately I feel like my life has been moving too fast that sometimes I find myself not knowing where I fit in. And when I thought I have it all figured out, there it goes changing and I'm basically back to square one, having to do it all over again. All my life I've been trying too hard to do things right. To be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect colleague, the perfect Muslim, the perfect lover. I have little room for error for myself and every time I find myself messing up I beat myself up for it. I don't think I've ever truly forgiven myself for all my past mistakes. At least the monumental ones. Make peace with your mistakes, and they'll turn gold. Yet mine remain as stones that often keep coming back to hit me.
Also lately I find it difficult to believe I have a strong support system. I feel like every time I open up to people they'll end up leaving me, indifferent to the fact that it was the time I need them most. I've been feeling so shitty when they do so because I feel like nobody understands me, and what hurts more is they made me feel shitty for wanting them to understand me.
Now there's only a handful of people who know what's really going on with me and when you don't have that many people to turn to, you tend to depend on the same people and can't help but feel like you're burdening them. Also because in the past I've had people telling me I'm too demanding and that I expect too much from them but sometimes I really can't help it. I guess when things get real, that's when you know the people who will be there.
I've lost a lot of people in this journey. The people who I thought would be there, to listen, to understand. Not for sympathy. I don't need your sympathy. I just want you to shut up and listen to whatever I have to say without any unsolicited opinions. And please don't make it about you. When I talk about myself it's about me and me only. We can talk about you after I'm done but for now, just please focus on me. Sounds selfish but I need that.
It's exhausting. It's even more exhausting doing it alone. And that's how I've been feeling. That I'm all alone.
