both way

Hello.

I know I haven't been posting anything for a while. The last few months have been craaaazy. I possibly experienced both my highest and lowest. I have a lot to share on this blog but I never got around to actually sit down and write. Also I feel like I have a few "planned" posts and maybe that's why I never really write anything these days - cause I feel like I *have* to share about certain stuff and they don't feel genuine enough? They feel forced, in a way. So right now I'm here simply writing for the sake of getting this off my chest.

Sometimes I can't help feeling like some people take advantage of my emotional availability. I guess it mostly comes from a part of me that can't really say no to people, or rather I'd find ways to say yes to favours even when I'm swamped with my own responsibilities. I can't feel like I've disappointed people, especially when they come to me asking for help or simply want to talk about certain things. I'm usually alright with lending a hand or an ear to listen, but these days I'm so drained from my own shit that sometimes I find it hard to find people to reciprocate the same energy I give out.

It's like when I'm literally crying out for help and I know they hear me but they probably think "oh she's always crying out for help, maybe someone will come - not me, I don't have the time to entertain her". I hate feeling like I have to beg for attention especially when I have been trying so hard to be nothing but explicit that I need someone to listen. I already hate the idea of being a burden to people, but what puzzles me is that people sometimes don't mind coming to me but when it's my turn seeking out for help, literally nobody comes to my saving.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I promised myself that this is the year I'll finally say no to free emotional support, but I guess I failed. It's gotta feel 2-way, you know? It's very much draining when it's not reciprocated and at one point you just want to give up with people. For once, I wish people would initiate first, instead of me crying out for help which always ends up with a no-show.

I hate opening up to people, knowing that they know what's up with me, but also feeling like they're done with me. Like get over it already Nurul it's been a while now it's getting old.

I want attention.

There. I've said it.

her

hi, for those that follows my social media, maybe sometimes you ponder why this girl broke so much, and those posts about a friend, but you see me from social media having a very large circle of friends, well that was based on how  my friends told me.

"what if, you are the toxic one in your life or others life?"

yah, the start of this degree i have hard breakdown , and i really in my life so relief it was over, but yah some snapseeds incase you are left behind.

Do you want to know what having someone walk away from your life feels like? Imagine over time you've been gradually knitting yourself into a person, carefully threading your souls together, making sure you share a genuine and profound bond, then one day the piece of fabric that you've been working so hard on snaps in the middle so suddenly. All the time and hard effort that you've invested, gone. Just like that.
I guess the thing I hate most about breaking with a person - besides obviously losing the person who's become such an integral part of your daily life - is what comes afterwards. I call it the What Could Have Been. Inevitably, you see them moving on with their life, finding new friends to make, and in the back of your mind there's this fear that this budding friendship may be the best for them and it's not you by their side anymore. I know i should respect every decision you make as to cut me from your life, but it still freaking hurt as hell.
I'm sorry for every hurts that came with me , i know it's too hard to ask for, but maybe one day you could tell me what had gone wrong in everything. I miss you damn much doh , i wish you all happiness this world can give. Just know, you can hmu whenever babe 💞

it was hard, i don't know what was going wrong. i thought my life is sailing smoothly , neither did i imagine , a big rock is waiting upfront. but i was grateful for all of these. it grows me. i start double triple check myself from square one, i start appreciating every little people, every little gestures matters most.

and i believe, good days will come. yah we finally resolve our issues altho not really resolve but it's okay now. so everyone, appreciate people more and better in your life cause you just don't know when you will loose them.