Dec 28, 2017

page 362 of 365

The most valuable lesson I learned this year that took me so long to acknowledge is that you can never love a person into loving you back. Love isn't something you can impose on a person, just because you love them and are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. It comes progressively, and sometimes you don't even realise that you're in love until one day something happens and you're like "damn I'm in love". That moment of realisation is usually the first step that will lead you either down the happy lane or the sad lane, depending on your luck.

Do you want to know what a breaking down feels like? Imagine over time you've been gradually knitting yourself into a person, carefully threading your souls together, making sure you share a genuine and profound bond, then one day the piece of fabric that you've been working so hard on snaps in the middle so suddenly. All the time and hard effort that you've invested, gone. Just like that.

I guess the thing I hate most about breaking with a person - besides obviously losing the person who's become such an integral part of your daily life - is what comes afterwards. I call it the What Could Have Been. Inevitably, you see them moving on with their life, finding someone new to love and in the back of your mind there's this fear that this budding love could be the one for them since everything they learnt from being with you, could be applied to this new relationship and they end up having a better love life than you. And perhaps you feel they kind of owed it to you for this kind of relationship - the what could have been - given that both of you didn't make the mistakes you both did and eventually tried to make things work.

Then you're going to find someone new and eventually start to open up to them and start knitting yourselves again. Funny how it seems like it's the same cycle but it never really is the same. That's because you learn and grow from your past relationships to make this one worth the heartbreak you felt before. You're more careful in taking your steps now, and you begin to see things in a much more mature perspective. But that's still a long way to go for me.

Man, unrequited love really leaves this detrimental psychological damage on you. It gets you constantly contemplating your self-worth, makes you constantly doubt whether you're good enough, and leaves you oblivious and numb to future love prospects because you're scared to open up anymore. You start building walls around your heart to safeguard and spare you from more heartbreak in the future.

But it's alright. I still have faith that someone will come along and love me like I'm brand new. It's just a matter of time.

For you, if you're reading this , it's will be a pure lie if i said i had already forgive you and i don't hold a grudge on you , but i can't never be grateful enough for all the lessons you came with. it still hurts , the pains will always stay there , i know times will heal but it still will leaves scars but after all ,i truly wish you happy with your life , till our path crossed again . you're a lesson ft. a bless 👌

Dec 20, 2017


I'm feeling slightly off lately , nah it's not just slightly . i have lost my momentum in class , i can't focus as much as my first 2 weeks here , then it leads to more after class work , works. all of my things-to-do piling on me more and more , i can hear my table screaming at my face waiting for me to lift the unbearable loads. if you know how i will always demand a perfection on all my works then you know why if I just lost one day focus in class then it will lead to a terrible piles on my things-to-do. i hate this. I hate the idea to have my works all perfect. but I hate it more and more when it doesn't. i can never fully understand myself so how will you right? I'm trying my best to keep the hard work in the beginning of the sem like this cause i hate the idea to have my study week like last sem , all gloomy , all last-minute-hard-work , so much to cover & the most unbelievable minimum 2 tins of nescafe per day. yucks . yeah I know. 
it's not that I'm not 'bersyukur' as it is with my sem 1 pointer , yeah blessed to that but hey , everyone wants to add more to their records right? i just want to be better than yesterday.
i think the lost of my first crush jonghyun adds to the 'semun' me too. cause it related as much , i keep reminiscing my depression year , yeah you guess it right , my form 3 year. it still hurt as much. i still remember the days i locked my self in room questioning what the heck did i  even do wrong  to deserve that life , i hate it when i hate my family and i hate damn much why can't i have family like others but above all i still appreciate i still have one.
maybe others said that I'm just the one that overly sensitive with my surroundings . i took things too much , i feel to much , that I should 'lek lek je' and 'hati sado' kinda things. but i believe that being sensitive is an advantage , because i can feel more than others so i can react better , i never agree that being heartless is the way to survive this society nowdays. because being heartless is too mainstream , i choose doing , living my life whole heartly , so even if it's tiring so much and every second i still have this thought to just let go everything , i still hope i can accept my self. 
yeah accepting that how hard I'm trying to be perfect , no one can't but it worth to better yourself each passing day. 
till then, 💕
p/s: I hope foundation year end early, i can't even describe tired anymore.