Sweet Caroline,
Good times never seemed so good,
I've been inclined,
To believe it never would.
These days I find myself desperately clinging on to every bit of happiness possible. Like, when things are going good, all I can think of is "am I sucking in all the joy possible out of this joyful instance?". I guess it's been conditioned in my brain that things can go south in an instant and I'd want to have the best possible outcome of my good times. Imagine eating a really really good meal, knowing you would have to finish it but at the same time you feel guilty about having to finish it cause it's so good that you want to eat it exclusively for the rest of your life but you also want to savour every last bite possible and not waste even a drop of it. A bit like that.
It's pathetic, to be honest, that I find myself being this way - living (more like surviving) from one happy moment to another. It's as if I'd have to recharge myself and store every bit of joy only to anticipate bad times. Until then, I won't have to discharge the stored happiness. As if thinking about good times actually did me any favour in the past. lol
Through experience, it didn't really help to think about good times. In fact it only made things worse knowing how happy I was at one point in time, instead of feeling so helpless. It just made feel trapped in a pit of self-loathe, for putting myself in similar, if not exact, situations that I knew from the get go would only cause me hurt. Why do I love sabotaging myself so much?
But then again, I'm not saying I don't enjoy being happy. Don't get me wrong. I love where I'm at currently. Not in the best possible place, I suppose, but enough for me to mean it when I say "I'm good".
Don't mind me, it's just my brain playing mind games with me again. We do that all the time - obsess over things not worth fussing over. Sometimes I have to consciously tell myself to stop. That I don't want to think anymore and I just want to be present and enjoy the moment without any distractions from anyone, not even myself. I have to stop obsessing and just.. live carefree.
Anyway, I was listening to Dodie's cover of Sweet Caroline (splendid cover 10/10 would recommend) and the lyrics got me thinking about good times and how good things are going for me now. Welp, let's see how long this is going to last before I ruin things for myself. lol
But really, I'm happy. :)
