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The most valuable lesson I learned this year that took me so long to acknowledge is that you can never love a person into loving you back. Love isn't something you can impose on a person, just because you love them and are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. It comes progressively, and sometimes you don't even realise that you're in love until one day something happens and you're like "damn I'm in love". That moment of realisation is usually the first step that will lead you either down the happy lane or the sad lane, depending on your luck.

Do you want to know what a breaking down feels like? Imagine over time you've been gradually knitting yourself into a person, carefully threading your souls together, making sure you share a genuine and profound bond, then one day the piece of fabric that you've been working so hard on snaps in the middle so suddenly. All the time and hard effort that you've invested, gone. Just like that.

I guess the thing I hate most about breaking with a person - besides obviously losing the person who's become such an integral part of your daily life - is what comes afterwards. I call it the What Could Have Been. Inevitably, you see them moving on with their life, finding someone new to love and in the back of your mind there's this fear that this budding love could be the one for them since everything they learnt from being with you, could be applied to this new relationship and they end up having a better love life than you. And perhaps you feel they kind of owed it to you for this kind of relationship - the what could have been - given that both of you didn't make the mistakes you both did and eventually tried to make things work.

Then you're going to find someone new and eventually start to open up to them and start knitting yourselves again. Funny how it seems like it's the same cycle but it never really is the same. That's because you learn and grow from your past relationships to make this one worth the heartbreak you felt before. You're more careful in taking your steps now, and you begin to see things in a much more mature perspective. But that's still a long way to go for me.

Man, unrequited love really leaves this detrimental psychological damage on you. It gets you constantly contemplating your self-worth, makes you constantly doubt whether you're good enough, and leaves you oblivious and numb to future love prospects because you're scared to open up anymore. You start building walls around your heart to safeguard and spare you from more heartbreak in the future.

But it's alright. I still have faith that someone will come along and love me like I'm brand new. It's just a matter of time.

For you, if you're reading this , it's will be a pure lie if i said i had already forgive you and i don't hold a grudge on you , but i can't never be grateful enough for all the lessons you came with. it still hurts , the pains will always stay there , i know times will heal but it still will leaves scars but after all ,i truly wish you happy with your life , till our path crossed again . you're a lesson ft. a bless 👌

hey

☔

I'm feeling slightly off lately , nah it's not just slightly . i have lost my momentum in class , i can't focus as much as my first 2 weeks here , then it leads to more after class work , works. all of my things-to-do piling on me more and more , i can hear my table screaming at my face waiting for me to lift the unbearable loads. if you know how i will always demand a perfection on all my works then you know why if I just lost one day focus in class then it will lead to a terrible piles on my things-to-do. i hate this. I hate the idea to have my works all perfect. but I hate it more and more when it doesn't. i can never fully understand myself so how will you right? I'm trying my best to keep the hard work in the beginning of the sem like this cause i hate the idea to have my study week like last sem , all gloomy , all last-minute-hard-work , so much to cover & the most unbelievable minimum 2 tins of nescafe per day. yucks . yeah I know. 

it's not that I'm not 'bersyukur' as it is with my sem 1 pointer , yeah blessed to that but hey , everyone wants to add more to their records right? i just want to be better than yesterday.

i think the lost of my first crush jonghyun adds to the 'semun' me too. cause it related as much , i keep reminiscing my depression year , yeah you guess it right , my form 3 year. it still hurt as much. i still remember the days i locked my self in room questioning what the heck did i  even do wrong  to deserve that life , i hate it when i hate my family and i hate damn much why can't i have family like others but above all i still appreciate i still have one.

maybe others said that I'm just the one that overly sensitive with my surroundings . i took things too much , i feel to much , that I should 'lek lek je' and 'hati sado' kinda things. but i believe that being sensitive is an advantage , because i can feel more than others so i can react better , i never agree that being heartless is the way to survive this society nowdays. because being heartless is too mainstream , i choose doing , living my life whole heartly , so even if it's tiring so much and every second i still have this thought to just let go everything , i still hope i can accept my self. 

yeah accepting that how hard I'm trying to be perfect , no one can't but it worth to better yourself each passing day. 

till then, 💕
p/s: I hope foundation year end early, i can't even describe tired anymore. 

untangled

I took some time off Instagram because I became too insecure with the content I post. It wasn't the first time I've done so but it's gotten to a whole new level of toxicity that I've never experienced before. It was all overwhelming and what crushed me was that I couldn’t do too much about it. At first I thought it was because of the need to post every photo I have on my phone but it turned out to be a whole deeper thing than that. I became too absorbed with the details that even the smallest thing ticked me off and could ruin my mood for a whole week.
Battling with anxiety all my life, I care about two things and two things only: (1) the crushing psychological weight of being alive and (2) every person on earth and their opinion of me. It had hindered me from doing so much because I stopped myself from doing what I really want to do or from trying out new things just because I’m afraid of what other people have to say about it. I would make up crazy, sometimes unrealistic scenarios inside my head and would end up not pursuing the thing. The smallest, most minute and irrelevant thing to you may be a whole big deal to me that takes up 90% of my working brain cells at a given time because I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it. Even now, I feel compelled to explain everything I do to other people just so they don’t get the wrong idea and talk bad about me.
I strive so hard to be that perfect person who never makes mistakes but what I fail to realise now and again is that in the end I’m human too, and it’s okay to make mistakes and people will or will not judge you for those mistakes but the most important thing is; I am not defined by my mistakes. I let too much negativity inside my head and I knew I had to take time off from the sole reason I feel that way in order to keep my shit together.
Good thing now that I don’t feel the need to catch up with what people post online and honestly it’s been so blissful. I untangled myself from that toxic chain and I think it’s important for us to start realising how soaked up we are with social media nowadays and always remember to take care of ourselves to make sure we function well, physically and mentally. People tend to neglect their mental health because it’s still pretty much taboo to openly discuss about them coupled with the stigma surrounding people suffering from mental health problems. Also, sometimes it’s not that we don’t want to talk about them but it’s more of not knowing how to open up or where to start. I found the best and most therapeutic thing to do is to write about my feelings hence the existence of my blog. It’s done wonders to my mental state and kept me sane well enough so I could go through my days feeling refreshed and unbothered. Okay, it’s gotten too long but let’s start talking about mental health and start taking care of ourselves and not let all those negativity bottled up inside of you for too long 'cause it ain’t good for you, boo.

Just Because

I don't know when all of this started . 

I just happened to realize it 3 days ago when i was performing my teraweh ,

it just suddenly, no greeting, no expectation,  it just happened.

i feel so empty, my heart hurt so bad, i want to cry so damn bad , so hard but i just couldn't forced the tears out. 

maybe because my period is coming , or maybe because i'm gonna fly this Saturday 

but I'm not the type to be homesick , in fact i love staying in hostel more ,like i did when i  was in high school, 

i don't exactly will miss my parents, because i had already adjusted to their absence , well because of work , etc. 

but then, i will miss my siblings damn damn hard, and i came to realize as we are growing older,  we had spent less and less time together but , yeah surprisingly the little time we spent together mean so much ya know, like, i will wait for weekends for them to come back and it feel blessed not to spend time with just your computer or phone, yeah  surprisingly its quality above quantity now. 

i will miss my mom's cooking, yesterday my mom made spaghetti for sahur just because i requested it, i was stunned because my brother had requested nasi kerabu way before i made mine but mom just made mine before, i was deep touch, although i was already full because i ate so damn much after teraweh but i finished two plates of it, because it just damn touching everyone fulfilling to my wishes , listen every details of my talk, it was touching. my grandmother kuih koci, i just joking when i said to wan that she is the only one that hadn't sponsored me anything and i want a new quran tafseer but , i was sobbing when i saw a new quran on my desk , my father , listen to every little craving of mine during buka, like even my mom said that she want to eat murtabak but he brought back roti john way before , damn girl i'm sobbing.

it's not that i'm homesick, its me that want to stop the time. because right now i feel like i don't wanna grow up, i just want to be mama and abah only little daughter,  its hard watching people come and leave , its hard af to stuck in the memories,

i don't miss the people ya know, i miss the moments. 

even when sometimes , i hang up with my friends, we just can't afford to draw "rindu" , it just too much, i mean if we rindu, we can always hang up, otp, message, but it's not the people that i rindu, it 's the moments. the moments.

i miss high school damn much. i miss benz, i miss squad, i miss dorm 6, 

it's always hard being the one that always stuck in the memories. 

it's always been hard for me to let go and move on. i just keep reminiscing more and more,

and when i don't really have anything to make myself busy with, the empty spaces creak more often, 

i am swallow by the ocean of empathy, too much feeling everything.

i will miss fify damn much, these days , i woke up and what i did first was feeding the kittens, *my eyes become blurry , and i watched them eat like there's no tomorrow and i know i will regret not to be there by their side when they grow bigger, fluffier , i don't want them to not recognize me anymore, 

i'm being a baby right know. i will miss fify , she is pregnant again ya know , her kittens are only 3 months old but hahah, she is so eager to give me more and more of grandchildren hahaha.
i will miss stripes, snow, spot , squad , i will miss these bulus  ,

i will miss angah and iman , i will be very sad because i can't be there on their birthdays and celebrate it with the,  it will be very sad to just post the present you know , i will be a laughing stock right now hahhaa, one year is a long time , by that time angah will have finish his SPM , and Iman will be a senior by one year in his high school , hahah that kid , i will miss his gediks, i don't know that growing up will be this suck, i will be this afraid, but believe it or not, i am afraid to grow up,
i am afraid of commitment, a bigger responsibility , a more life struggle , because as you grow up, you have to make more and more decisions yourself and i am afraid of decisions ,
i guess it's true, don't grow up, it's a trap.

heck i don't know why i'm feeling what i'm feeling right now,

anyone if you 're reading this, don't brought up on me, but if you want to help me covering the emptiness, ring me, anytime.  just talk with me. i miss all of you.

catch feelings

"You like him right? Why don't you go after him?" 

I have to admit, I don't have much experience when it comes to relationships, I've only ever had one legit boyfriend i don't even call him that because he never really liked the label, we both saw a future with each other, we both loved each other dearly but the label itself attached a stigma as well as expectations along with it, and we never really wanted that we just wanted to be happy with each other, with the comfort of knowing that we felt the same way towards each other .
that was the case until one party didn't feel that way anymore, and instead fell into the trap that was the expectations of the label, in the end the unhappiness caused by the insecurities undermined the happiness caused by the comfort and eventually didn't work out. 
background story done here's where the rant actually begins tonight a friend asked me why I'm not going after this boy that I've a crush on, saying that I'm too shy and I can get him if I wanted to and this got to me because it made me question why some people feel the need to "obtain" a relationship just because you're attracted to someone, is it not possible to admire someone from afar without pursuing more than that why must we make it an obligation to make the person we like, the person we are with? "i like him, i want him to be my boyfriend" ....but why? like Ive said, I've only ever been in one relationship my whole life but I understand how much commitment and effort is needed to maintain one mere attraction and admiration alone isn't enough for me to jump into another one so quickly. we put so much emphasis on romance that we think being in a relationship will guarantee you happiness just because youve "found the one" so we hop from one person to the next, gaining happiness from them until the happiness runs out and we find another "one" 
You can't deny human nature to feel attraction to others, or feel infatuation, but to make those infatuations the source of your happiness that's when it starts to hurt .I've been of both ends of this, being dependent on someone for my happiness and having someone depend on me for theirs it's like everything you do is to please them and if they're not happy then you aren't as well, their sadness is yours, they complete you it sounds sweet and all but we don't realize we are romanticising toxic relationships that prevent self development, being lonely sucks sometimes, having no one to talk to about your day, having all this love to give but no one to receive it but it sucks even more to lose yourself by making someone else your identity, identifying yourself as "so and so's significant other" 
I mean yes, I like this boy I find him handsome, and sometimes I catch myself thinking about the way he calls my name with so much aww or the way he looks at me when we talk and I can see his eyes glistening with a sparkle but do these things justify me desiring to be in a relationship with him? Am I obligated to chase after him just because I think he's cute? Am I ready to put in that amount of commitment and effort again? And in the miraculous case that he feels the same way, even if I am ready, is he? I'd rather we put that effort into developing ourselves first, ensuring we both are dependent on ourselves for our own happiness I mean he makes me happy by being there, but I also wanna be happy when he isn't ya feel .be grateful for the things that already make you happy and God will give you more, don't take things for granted
TL;DR, just because you catch feeling on someone or like someone, you didn't need to make him/her yours. if you happy with them then keep it like that, why ask for more. liking someone from far away doesn't make you pathetic, it makes you wonderful because imagine someone liking you from afar and wishing only good things for you.