both way

Hello.

I know I haven't been posting anything for a while. The last few months have been craaaazy. I possibly experienced both my highest and lowest. I have a lot to share on this blog but I never got around to actually sit down and write. Also I feel like I have a few "planned" posts and maybe that's why I never really write anything these days - cause I feel like I *have* to share about certain stuff and they don't feel genuine enough? They feel forced, in a way. So right now I'm here simply writing for the sake of getting this off my chest.

Sometimes I can't help feeling like some people take advantage of my emotional availability. I guess it mostly comes from a part of me that can't really say no to people, or rather I'd find ways to say yes to favours even when I'm swamped with my own responsibilities. I can't feel like I've disappointed people, especially when they come to me asking for help or simply want to talk about certain things. I'm usually alright with lending a hand or an ear to listen, but these days I'm so drained from my own shit that sometimes I find it hard to find people to reciprocate the same energy I give out.

It's like when I'm literally crying out for help and I know they hear me but they probably think "oh she's always crying out for help, maybe someone will come - not me, I don't have the time to entertain her". I hate feeling like I have to beg for attention especially when I have been trying so hard to be nothing but explicit that I need someone to listen. I already hate the idea of being a burden to people, but what puzzles me is that people sometimes don't mind coming to me but when it's my turn seeking out for help, literally nobody comes to my saving.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I promised myself that this is the year I'll finally say no to free emotional support, but I guess I failed. It's gotta feel 2-way, you know? It's very much draining when it's not reciprocated and at one point you just want to give up with people. For once, I wish people would initiate first, instead of me crying out for help which always ends up with a no-show.

I hate opening up to people, knowing that they know what's up with me, but also feeling like they're done with me. Like get over it already Nurul it's been a while now it's getting old.

I want attention.

There. I've said it.

her

hi, for those that follows my social media, maybe sometimes you ponder why this girl broke so much, and those posts about a friend, but you see me from social media having a very large circle of friends, well that was based on how  my friends told me.

"what if, you are the toxic one in your life or others life?"

yah, the start of this degree i have hard breakdown , and i really in my life so relief it was over, but yah some snapseeds incase you are left behind.

Do you want to know what having someone walk away from your life feels like? Imagine over time you've been gradually knitting yourself into a person, carefully threading your souls together, making sure you share a genuine and profound bond, then one day the piece of fabric that you've been working so hard on snaps in the middle so suddenly. All the time and hard effort that you've invested, gone. Just like that.
I guess the thing I hate most about breaking with a person - besides obviously losing the person who's become such an integral part of your daily life - is what comes afterwards. I call it the What Could Have Been. Inevitably, you see them moving on with their life, finding new friends to make, and in the back of your mind there's this fear that this budding friendship may be the best for them and it's not you by their side anymore. I know i should respect every decision you make as to cut me from your life, but it still freaking hurt as hell.
I'm sorry for every hurts that came with me , i know it's too hard to ask for, but maybe one day you could tell me what had gone wrong in everything. I miss you damn much doh , i wish you all happiness this world can give. Just know, you can hmu whenever babe 💞

it was hard, i don't know what was going wrong. i thought my life is sailing smoothly , neither did i imagine , a big rock is waiting upfront. but i was grateful for all of these. it grows me. i start double triple check myself from square one, i start appreciating every little people, every little gestures matters most.

and i believe, good days will come. yah we finally resolve our issues altho not really resolve but it's okay now. so everyone, appreciate people more and better in your life cause you just don't know when you will loose them.

toxic

just a LOWKEY opinion regarding cutting toxic people in your life, one day i read on soc media about someone asking an artist about how to CUT toxic people in her life and the replied sparks rainbow in me,
"why you want to cut toxic people in life, because we ourselves may be toxic in others life. so just treat other people nicely, they will have their fair of share onedays." . i mean like it hit close to home!! i once SUDDENLY been cut from my friend's life whom i spent 24/7 together WITHOUT having an argument or whatsoever. just one day she decides to delete my number, block me and everything. i get it, it's your life, you own it, but at least drop me a reason. honestly she made me blame myself forever for reasons i will never know.

TLDR : if you ever want to cut people in your life, at least give them proper closure they deserve. at the end we all sins differently.

not for sympathy

We all get lost sometimes.
These last few months have not been great for me. Lately I feel like my life has been moving too fast that sometimes I find myself not knowing where I fit in. And when I thought I have it all figured out, there it goes changing and I'm basically back to square one, having to do it all over again. All my life I've been trying too hard to do things right. To be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect colleague, the perfect Muslim, the perfect lover. I have little room for error for myself and every time I find myself messing up I beat myself up for it. I don't think I've ever truly forgiven myself for all my past mistakes. At least the monumental ones. Make peace with your mistakes, and they'll turn gold. Yet mine remain as stones that often keep coming back to hit me.
Also lately I find it difficult to believe I have a strong support system. I feel like every time I open up to people they'll end up leaving me, indifferent to the fact that it was the time I need them most. I've been feeling so shitty when they do so because I feel like nobody understands me, and what hurts more is they made me feel shitty for wanting them to understand me.
Now there's only a handful of people who know what's really going on with me and when you don't have that many people to turn to, you tend to depend on the same people and can't help but feel like you're burdening them. Also because in the past I've had people telling me I'm too demanding and that I expect too much from them but sometimes I really can't help it. I guess when things get real, that's when you know the people who will be there.
I've lost a lot of people in this journey. The people who I thought would be there, to listen, to understand. Not for sympathy. I don't need your sympathy. I just want you to shut up and listen to whatever I have to say without any unsolicited opinions. And please don't make it about you. When I talk about myself it's about me and me only. We can talk about you after I'm done but for now, just please focus on me. Sounds selfish but I need that.
It's exhausting. It's even more exhausting doing it alone. And that's how I've been feeling. That I'm all alone.

moving on

Getting over someone is a long and harsh process. You start to see their flaws as it is, instead of closing your eyes as you've always done before, in the name of love. You nitpick every little thing they do, you find reasons to counter the love you've once had for them, you remind yourself of all the times they've been selfish or inconsiderate of you and your feelings. It's never been easy for me to get rid of a love so profound that's developed over time. And indeed, over time, I try to tell myself that this is the right thing to do.
It's easy to tell yourself you're over someone. The challenge comes when you find yourself in the same room with them, resisting the urge to run away when your eyes catch theirs, seeing them smile and hearing their laughter, and admit to yourself "I don't want you anymore". Once you're finally able to admit that without being awkward in front of them, you know you're free. Oh God I can't wait to be free.
The first step to moving on, is actually wanting to move on. Sometimes you tell yourself "I need to get over A" but deep down somewhere in the back of your mind you know you're not ready to let A go. You find yourself debating should you stay or should you go? You ask yourself "how do you get over someone, still remain good friends and not cross the fine line between friends and lovers?" You have no idea.
I don't believe there's such a thing as the right person, wrong timing. One wrong makes the whole premise wrong. The right person will find you when you're ready to be found. Everything seems to fall into place when they come along. You will weather through sunny days and stormy nights, trudge through beautiful streams and filthy muds. Weirdly enough you always find yourself choosing them, over and over again. And they will choose you too.
I promise you, nurul, the right one will come along. This heartbreak won't last forever. You're going to find your one true love, when you stop looking for it. For now just hurt whilst you can. You're still young. You have your whole life ahead of you. One day you'll wake up and you'll be free. This storm won't last forever, I promise you that.
p.s. this post had been in my drafts for a while. I wasn't ready to post it because I wasn't ready to let things go.