hey

☔

I'm feeling slightly off lately , nah it's not just slightly . i have lost my momentum in class , i can't focus as much as my first 2 weeks here , then it leads to more after class work , works. all of my things-to-do piling on me more and more , i can hear my table screaming at my face waiting for me to lift the unbearable loads. if you know how i will always demand a perfection on all my works then you know why if I just lost one day focus in class then it will lead to a terrible piles on my things-to-do. i hate this. I hate the idea to have my works all perfect. but I hate it more and more when it doesn't. i can never fully understand myself so how will you right? I'm trying my best to keep the hard work in the beginning of the sem like this cause i hate the idea to have my study week like last sem , all gloomy , all last-minute-hard-work , so much to cover & the most unbelievable minimum 2 tins of nescafe per day. yucks . yeah I know. 

it's not that I'm not 'bersyukur' as it is with my sem 1 pointer , yeah blessed to that but hey , everyone wants to add more to their records right? i just want to be better than yesterday.

i think the lost of my first crush jonghyun adds to the 'semun' me too. cause it related as much , i keep reminiscing my depression year , yeah you guess it right , my form 3 year. it still hurt as much. i still remember the days i locked my self in room questioning what the heck did i  even do wrong  to deserve that life , i hate it when i hate my family and i hate damn much why can't i have family like others but above all i still appreciate i still have one.

maybe others said that I'm just the one that overly sensitive with my surroundings . i took things too much , i feel to much , that I should 'lek lek je' and 'hati sado' kinda things. but i believe that being sensitive is an advantage , because i can feel more than others so i can react better , i never agree that being heartless is the way to survive this society nowdays. because being heartless is too mainstream , i choose doing , living my life whole heartly , so even if it's tiring so much and every second i still have this thought to just let go everything , i still hope i can accept my self. 

yeah accepting that how hard I'm trying to be perfect , no one can't but it worth to better yourself each passing day. 

till then, 💕
p/s: I hope foundation year end early, i can't even describe tired anymore.