Just Because

I don't know when all of this started . 

I just happened to realize it 3 days ago when i was performing my teraweh ,

it just suddenly, no greeting, no expectation,  it just happened.

i feel so empty, my heart hurt so bad, i want to cry so damn bad , so hard but i just couldn't forced the tears out. 

maybe because my period is coming , or maybe because i'm gonna fly this Saturday 

but I'm not the type to be homesick , in fact i love staying in hostel more ,like i did when i  was in high school, 

i don't exactly will miss my parents, because i had already adjusted to their absence , well because of work , etc. 

but then, i will miss my siblings damn damn hard, and i came to realize as we are growing older,  we had spent less and less time together but , yeah surprisingly the little time we spent together mean so much ya know, like, i will wait for weekends for them to come back and it feel blessed not to spend time with just your computer or phone, yeah  surprisingly its quality above quantity now. 

i will miss my mom's cooking, yesterday my mom made spaghetti for sahur just because i requested it, i was stunned because my brother had requested nasi kerabu way before i made mine but mom just made mine before, i was deep touch, although i was already full because i ate so damn much after teraweh but i finished two plates of it, because it just damn touching everyone fulfilling to my wishes , listen every details of my talk, it was touching. my grandmother kuih koci, i just joking when i said to wan that she is the only one that hadn't sponsored me anything and i want a new quran tafseer but , i was sobbing when i saw a new quran on my desk , my father , listen to every little craving of mine during buka, like even my mom said that she want to eat murtabak but he brought back roti john way before , damn girl i'm sobbing.

it's not that i'm homesick, its me that want to stop the time. because right now i feel like i don't wanna grow up, i just want to be mama and abah only little daughter,  its hard watching people come and leave , its hard af to stuck in the memories,

i don't miss the people ya know, i miss the moments. 

even when sometimes , i hang up with my friends, we just can't afford to draw "rindu" , it just too much, i mean if we rindu, we can always hang up, otp, message, but it's not the people that i rindu, it 's the moments. the moments.

i miss high school damn much. i miss benz, i miss squad, i miss dorm 6, 

it's always hard being the one that always stuck in the memories. 

it's always been hard for me to let go and move on. i just keep reminiscing more and more,

and when i don't really have anything to make myself busy with, the empty spaces creak more often, 

i am swallow by the ocean of empathy, too much feeling everything.

i will miss fify damn much, these days , i woke up and what i did first was feeding the kittens, *my eyes become blurry , and i watched them eat like there's no tomorrow and i know i will regret not to be there by their side when they grow bigger, fluffier , i don't want them to not recognize me anymore, 

i'm being a baby right know. i will miss fify , she is pregnant again ya know , her kittens are only 3 months old but hahah, she is so eager to give me more and more of grandchildren hahaha.
i will miss stripes, snow, spot , squad , i will miss these bulus  ,

i will miss angah and iman , i will be very sad because i can't be there on their birthdays and celebrate it with the,  it will be very sad to just post the present you know , i will be a laughing stock right now hahhaa, one year is a long time , by that time angah will have finish his SPM , and Iman will be a senior by one year in his high school , hahah that kid , i will miss his gediks, i don't know that growing up will be this suck, i will be this afraid, but believe it or not, i am afraid to grow up,
i am afraid of commitment, a bigger responsibility , a more life struggle , because as you grow up, you have to make more and more decisions yourself and i am afraid of decisions ,
i guess it's true, don't grow up, it's a trap.

heck i don't know why i'm feeling what i'm feeling right now,

anyone if you 're reading this, don't brought up on me, but if you want to help me covering the emptiness, ring me, anytime.  just talk with me. i miss all of you.