For the first time in my life, liberty feels damning. There is no proper plan or structure laid out in front of me. Nothing to particularly look forward to. Just an eerie overwhelming sense of unknown. And for the first time in my life, I'm diving straight ahead.
My life the last few years has been nothing but a series of rejections and disappointments. I'm not even exaggerating when I say I've been pretty much on my own especially in the last few months. I've had plenty of time to figure myself out - the things I'm passionate about, the things that aren't working for me, and even the things I keep coming back to no matter how much air they suck out of my lungs.
I've been saying this for a while now; that I need a break from everything and everyone. To allow myself to recover, to stand strong on my own, to be able to cope under overwhelming waves of hurt and emotions. My body is tired, screaming for the train to stop but the tracks just keep leading up to nowhere. It seems like I'm moving forward when I've been really moving in circles.
I'm not trying to discount any of my high moments but they seem scarce and scattered. It's like moving upwards just to tumble even further down than when I started. And when I fall, I fall hard. Especially when it involves a person.
How can a person make you feel on top of the world and down in the dumps at the same time? That's wild. It should be a superpower or something. It's easy to tell someone to get out of a toxic relationship but really when push comes to shove, it's not that easy to do when you don't have a strong support system outside of that relationship. You'll find yourself coming back to that familiar sense simply because that's the only valued thing you got going. And because for so long, they have been your home, your safe place.
For you, if you ever read this: please let me go. Know that I will always be your number one supporter, the silent rooter in the sidelines. I hate that it had to be this way. I've liked you from the very first day. But for now, I have to go. I like you so much. Always have. Always will.
p/s: i've gave you tremendous amount of chances, almost lost count of, but being you, you know i will always come back no matter what, well this time it's not. you started it off again making it seem as it was easy , as if i was easy and then when i finally go back to you,, you left me just like that again? and again? as if i was the one who left my pride on the floor?? as if i was the one who beg for you to start it again first? shame on you. you lost me. please don't contact me again. do me this one last favor.
